did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
