Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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