You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
