I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
