the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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