I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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