I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
