just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
