Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Randomize
