i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
