True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
