I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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