she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
