i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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