census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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