this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
