She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Randomize
