ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
