woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
