I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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