Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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