i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
