guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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