then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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