on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
