I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
