My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
you mean i was at the winter classic?
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
