I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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