I accidentally burped into my bong.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
