the condom got lost in my hair
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
