Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
