Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Randomize
