So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
