i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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