so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize