i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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