The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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