is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
