my room smells like sperm. sweet.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
