I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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