Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize