you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
