Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
