from now on my penis is your penis
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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