phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Randomize