Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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