Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
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