i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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