I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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