I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
