physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
