I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Randomize
