Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
