he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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