I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
