you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
