Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
