Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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