In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
