I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
