You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
