Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
not ubering you a puppy
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
