yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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