the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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