1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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