Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
