3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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