The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Randomize
