she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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