Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
