Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Randomize
