I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize