i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
